my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
