4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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