Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
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