I am spending my child support on dildos
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow