if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
