It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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