I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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