I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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