Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
