I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
