Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
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Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
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He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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