I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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