i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I need to sanitize my soul.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
