Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
