I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
