i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize