Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
