then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
