shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
