I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
