Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
