I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
