They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
