He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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