I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
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I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
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Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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