when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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