I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i just made my gag reflex go away.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
