I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
