What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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