If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
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