Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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