: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
