Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
