We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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