Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
