During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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