A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
