Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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