So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I need moral support for this bender
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize
