in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
