i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
