i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
