just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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