Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
