I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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