I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
