I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
You are the jesus of drinking
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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