Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
