woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
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No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
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You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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