Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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