I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
