My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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