OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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