Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
