Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
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I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
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The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.