have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.