We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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