if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
