im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
