I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Randomize
