I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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